Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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