this boner is exhausting
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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