He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
