I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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