I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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