She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
