The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
