he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
