Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
