I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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