I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
