I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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