She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
