I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
