I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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