i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
