found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
They have beer where we have blood.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
