He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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