Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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