i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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