Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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