I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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