the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
