a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
