I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
