i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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