If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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