oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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