I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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