My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
