Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
