holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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