I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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