Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
