I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
