True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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