Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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