I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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