I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
