Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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