I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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