I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
