so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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