Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
