Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
