where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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