I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
