piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.