WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
