My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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