Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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