So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
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