the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
