he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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