I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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