is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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