chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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