I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
