I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can't put those talents on a resume
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
