In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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